Buzz Magazine

EXXXTACY 2010

You know you're at the right place when there are nearly naked girls carrying bags of sex toys.  My acquaintance Matt and I approached the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center with awe and a hope for things spectacular.  There was a bit of a log jam at the onset of our adventure.  I had failed(the PRINTER failed) to print out the confirmation of my covering PornCon2010, and the contact phone number was not working.  At the media booth there lacked the “list” we were supposed to be on, and a gentleman was repeatedly calling his superior to get clearance for us to enter.  We finally met this guy, Mike he's called, and he looked at us and my BUZZ card and refused to let us in.  I tried explaining that  I had confirmation and a phone number and names but he did not want to care about any of that.  He wanted at least one of us to buy admission.  Mike said something about already letting so many people in and other things indicating only that he is an obstinate prick.  Matt shrugged and bought admission.

MAIN EVENT

We are immediately handed shopping bags containing promos and an itinerary.  The first thing you see when going in is a squared-off exhibition area.  Throughout the day girls would be performing slow-paced, overacted scenes for your viewing pleasure.  They also posed a lot for photo opportunities.  This sucked, because the camera I brought was dead and I had to use my camera phone(which requires me to stretch out my arm and get really close to whatever I'm capturing and look like a creep).  I tried to watch some of the skits every time I passed, but it kept reminding me of professional wrestling.  They'd try to get the audience involved, but hardly anyone got into it that way. “Who likes Asian schoolgirls?” Nobody said anything.  It was kind of sad too, because you could see the uniform clad performer awaiting entrance.

The booths were mostly unexciting, and I didn't know many of the “who's who” that were thrilling others with their attendance.  There were plenty of items for sale – toys, videos, clothing, but I had limited cash and little desire to invest in such things.  I did see Ron Jeremy, and envisioned that Mike guy choking to death on Ron's massive cock.

I saw two of the stage shows.  Well, one show and one Q & A.  The Strip for Pain performance was one of the more memorable scenes at the convention.  I got over there as the girls of BurningAngel.com were whipping a large shirtless gentleman.  The man was handed a spray can and was to paint his entire upper body orange as he was still being whipped.  Adding to the difficulty of his task, he was soon being smashed over his back with fluorescent lite bulbs.  The Q & A came later, and was hosted by Lexington Steele.  Four girls were on stage answering questions from the audience.  Most questions were in the vein of “who'd you rather fuck,” “would you ever,” etc.  One guy asked “what are your long-term life goals?” and was ferociously booed by the other audience members.

Matt and I walked around a few more times after the Q & A until we had our fill.  Something about being there convinced me that I hate porn.  I walked out feeling confused.  I told Matt that the convention didn't do it for me.  He admitted having similar feelings about it, perhaps with more of a boredom tint.  I don't hate porn, but you know the funny acting and dialogue that is in porn movies?  Imagine that going on for hours, all around you.  Sooner or later you're not in the mood.   It was close to 9pm when I ate Wendy's - double cheese and fries.

THE EXIT

GASSHOLE

After dropping off Matt in the city I phoned my fond friend Derek.  He and Chazz were about to go to The Exit, and I was welcome to come along.  I met up with them and we got in Derek's car.  The gas station incident wasn't stupendous, but noteworthy.  Derek was filling up and a guy in the car next to us asked “how old is your car, buddy?” Some other questions were asked about his vehicles condition and the guy(I think he looked Italian.  And was accompanied by 2 or 3 females.) held up a bottle of some sort of automotive liquid and suggested Derek put some in his engine.  Derek declined, and just as he did Chazz threw a vitamin water bottle out the window nearly nailing the Italian guy's car. “Hey man!  Can't you see my Lexus!?” Chazz apologized.  Somebody said something about throwing like a girl, which somehow led to Chazz asking the guy if his sister is “good.” Italian guy said “yeah, my sister's good.  She used to beat me up.” “No way!” said us.  The Italian guy walked around to the front of Derek's car to look straight at me and Chazz. “Yeah, but then I got bigger.  Started hurting people.” It was silent for a moment, then the guy asked us what club we were going to.  Derek told him we were going to a dominatrix bar called the Exit.  The guy held up his hands defensively and asked “you guys aren't gay, are you?” We said no and he wiped his brow with relief.

DRINKING

We began the intake a block away from the Exit in Derek's car, where we finished a flask of vodka and lime.  After entering the bar, there was a spree of Red Stripes and PBR's.  Shots were introduced one time or another.  Personally, I was enjoying myself most after 2 hours of soaking it in.  It wasn't until the next day that I became aware that I spent my Saturday night doing exactly what I told myself not to do all week.  Sunday was to be a long day, but it doesn't take much to forget your obligations.

HYPNOTASMS

Chazz volunteered to be hypnotized, along with about seven others.  The volunteers were all put to sleep, as is the usual procedure, and the hypnotist would take one at a time to perform banal tricks they would presumably otherwise be unwilling to do.  I started talking to Chazz from a few feet away. “You want another beer Chazz?” “Touch that girl next you to, she'll blame the hypnotist!” He started to crack up, giving away the act.  I guess the girl also heard me and started to shake with laughter.  A few of us threw wet napkins at Chazz and at one point he even stood up momentary without being beckoned by the hypnotist.  Hypnotism is bullshit.

DANCING

A fat man was dancing and stabbing himself.  After that, the dancefloor was opened up and the giant robot turned on.  Derek was dancing with his girlthing while me, Chazz, Duff, and Ryan kinda stood.  Ryan and I had an excellent idea and started to mosh in the middle of the dancers.  At first people backed off, maybe even angry with us.  This was soon clearly not the case, because a horde of people suddenly joined us until it was one big mosh pit on the floor.  I got knocked down a few times and drunkenly stumbled to my feet.  Regular dancing eventually returned and I went outside.

FIGHTING

I'm guessing that it was near 3:00am that I realized I was eating a peanut and tried to spit it on Duff's leg.  I missed Duff, but nailed a wasted passerby in a white t-shirt.  I threw out a cursory apology and resumed whatever conversation I was in.  The wasted dude was not having it and tried to start a fight with me.  The fight was intercepted by Chazz, who ended up getting his shirt split open and punched in the face.  Several people held back the dude - including myself which I'll go ahead and assume he didn't notice.  All involved went inside(except for white t-shirt guy) to lie low.  At around quittin' time(3:30?) we were all going outside for departure.  The wasted dude was down the block either playfully tagging or abusing a girl escort.  We left.  At around 4:00am I ate a chicken burrito.  It was delicious.

PITCHFORK FESTIVAL

DRINKING 2

For the Pitchfork festival I was to be accompanied by my good friend Mort.  Preparations were made in the way of alcohol and other supplies.  We arrived around 2:30 and took a good 20 minutes to drink as much as possible before being restricted to overpriced beer.  Becoming drunks was easy enough, but it was maddening not being thoroughly searched at the gate.  Bringing something in would have been a piece of cake.  Oh well.  We had some drunk talk during music breaks, and Mort was open about his sister being a whore.  I spoke candidly about doing her and it was disturbingly not awkward(even moreso as I discovered he knew much more details than I thought he did).

SOME BANDS

We came out from the merch tents as Beach House was playing “Zebra.”  The song stuck us in a tiring trance and Mort said “this music makes me want to go to sleep.” I told him that I have often used Beach House for just that purpose.  It's good spacey music, but I find it hard to listen to unless I'm lying down.

I probably wouldn't have gone to Pitchfork this year had it not been for Lightening Bolt.  They are a drum and bass duo that play relentlessly rapid and pounding songs.  The chemistry between Brian Gibson and Brian Chippendale is a palpable punch to the face.  I have no idea the length of their set.  There wasn't much downtime between songs, and even when Chippendale would speak it was feedbacky and mostly incomprehensible(he wears what looks like a chewed up Santo mask, that contains a microphone that delivers his occasional singing in distorted reverbs).  It was an awesome set, all through the expected but welcome Wonderful Rainbow ender.

I'm not familiar with Big Boi.  I know he is from Outkast and that's about it.  So it wasn't surprising that the only songs I knew were Ms. Jackson, B.O.B., and I Like the Way You Move. The last band was Pavement, reunited after a decade or such.  They opened with probably the only song I would have recognized, called “Cut your Hair.” I'm not saying you have to know all the songs a band plays live in order to enjoy them, but for bands I don't usually listen to that's all I've got.  In not much time, Mort and I were exhausted and decided it was time to go.

COUGAR SANDWICH

We started the walk back to my car, still able to hear Pavement even from many blocks away.  I couldn't remember where my car was parked and eventually we ended up at the Billy Goat to get a burger before resuming our search.*  While waiting for my fries a tan middle-aged woman came up and placed an order for a chicken sandwich without a bun.  She explained to me that it was for her cat.  A guy that was near us overheard and asked “you really feed your cat chicken sandwiches?” He seemed offended somehow.  The lady was very friendly, making jokes and repeatedly touching my arm.  She was also very intoxicated.  I looked over at Mort who had already begun eating at one of the tables.  I raised my eyebrows and nodded toward the lady.

I received my fries and got to my seat.  Mort had not understood my gesture, so I explained that I could really top off my weekend by hooking up with a cougar.  We looked over at the woman, who was now seated across the restaurant at the bar.  A tall and tan man was talking to her.  Mort was upset by the idea of me leaving him to pursue this unnecessary quest, so I told him he would be welcome to come along. “Ok, so long as she understands that I'm going to creepily jerk off while watching.” Just then we noticed that the woman was lifting up her dress to the tan guy. “I told you!” I said to Mort.  Her action had attracted another tan guy who joined the darkness.  “What the fuck...” After a few minutes we saw her get up.  I told Mort that if she leaves alone its go time.  Of course, that did not happen.  She exited with the two tan dudes, as well as another random guy who was seated to the left of her.  Mort and I left and witnessed all four of them walk across the parking lot and into a definitely more interesting night than we were to have.

*At the door to the Billy Goat, a girl came out and Mort asked “hey sweet thang, can I buy you a fish sandwich?” The girl was surprisingly cool about it and simply said “no.” I told Mort he needed to do the followup. “Man, I'd love to take a bite out of your butt!” The girl did not respond, but quickened her pace.

Punk rock porn princess and founder of BurningAngel.com www.burningangel.com) Joanna Angel (www.JoannaAngel.com)is set to infiltrate the Midwest once again with her BurningAngel Girls at Exxxtacyshow 2010.
 
Showcasing with their own booth, Joanna along with her sexy, sultry BurningAngel vixens Misti Dawn, Jessie Lee, Draven, Kleio and Phoenix Askani will be signing photos, DVDs and body parts from July 16th to 18th at the Donald E. Stephens Convention Center in Rosemont, Illinois with a special Saturday night performance of Strip for Pain: America’s Most Dangerous Game Show.  http://www.backseatconceptions.com/sfp_07/htm/
 
“On the heels of the debauchery at Exxxotica LA, we thought we’d hit the Midwest. It’s been awhile since we’ve done a Strip for Pain show, so I’m bringing the BurningAngel girls with me and we cannot wait to attack the innocent victims of Chicago!” says Joanna.  “We will also have the BurningAngel toy line with us, including the newest addition to the line – the Joanna Angel blow up doll! Of course, I’ll also your favorite BurningAngel DVDs on hand and my latest release, “Rebel Girl” starring myself and the uber-dirty-sexy Jenna Haze.”
 
Exxxtacy Show 2010
Donald E. Stephens Convention Center
5555 North River Road
Rosemont, IL
 
Friday, July 16th11am – 10pm
Saturday, July 17th10am – 10pm
Sunday, July 18th11am – 6pm
 
Tickets are $60 for the entire weekend 
 
Pushing the envelope and breaking new ground, the BurningAngel empire is a
refreshingly unique web cocktail of sex, rock n' roll and pop culture.  Its
unmatchable edge has claimed a burgeoning bi-coastal community both in and
out of cyberspace.  BurningAngel.com officially launched in April 2002 with
a few sets of photos and a band interview. The amateur experiment, conceived
by two college kids from Rutgers (Joanna Angel and Mitch Fontaine), has since exploded into a fierce indie company that has pioneered a new species of erotica and has given way to the emergence of Joanna Angel as the "queen of alt-porn." In January 2005, the website’s growing popularity spawned its sister DVD production company, BurningAngel Entertainment, which continues to deliver hip, ironic cult classics, including the award-winning Joanna's Angels and Cum on My Tattoo series.
 
BurningAngel.com now hosts an extensive hardcore video collection and photo
gallery featuring over 200 girls, hailing the site's co-founder and star, Joanna Angel, as its queen bee. The site also features provocative interviews with a variety of bands on both major and independent labels, including Bad Religion, the Transplants, Bloc Party, Marilyn Manson, the Bouncing Souls and Brendon Small of Cartoon Network's Metalocalypse. The website also boasts an interactive web community, featuring active message boards, profile pages for all members and models, and comment boards throughout the site in which members can express their opinions.

 
Since its inception, BurningAngel and its star Joanna Angel have been featured on such media outlets as Fox News, Playboy TV, Fuse TV, KROQ Radio, SIRIUS Radio, and on the series premier of TLC’s LA Ink.  In addition, to a feature cover on Heeb Magazine naming Joanna as one of the “Top 100 Up-and-Coming Jews,” BurningAngel has appeared in The New York Times, Newsweek, The Village Voice, The New York Press, Esquire UK AVN, XBIZ, Status Ink, Tabu Tattoo Magazine and Penthouse.  In 2006 The New York Post featured her as one of the “Top 25 Sexiest New Yorkers.”