The Katz' Meow: Assault with a deadly cellphone

By Kimberly Katz
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Since its invention, the telephone has always been a favorite way for lovers to connect. How exciting it must have been for couples to stop relying on mail carriers whose message took days or weeks to arrive, or the telegraph, which delivered your brief but urgent message dictated through the chilly third person of a telegraph operator - I love you - stop - see you in New York – stop - kisses and hugs - stop.

Of course, finally having telephones in your own home didn’t solve the problem of having your boy or girlfriend actually call. The seemingly innocuous and promising line, "I'll call you”, has come to mean just the opposite. Now if someone says after a date, "I'll call you", what they are really saying is, "I have the upper hand right now and I have enough will-power NOT to call you, but I'll promise to call you so that you'll go away happy and then wait for MY phone call, which probably isn't coming anytime soon."

The cell phone and its little sister, the text message, opened up whole new worlds of romantic promise - at first. How wonderful we thought to be able to leave the house and take the possibility of getting that important call with you out on the street, or to the bookstore or gym. Now, we thought, we never have to miss the call that doesn't come again, or at least we won't waste as much time waiting for it.

Text messaging seemed to open up whole new worlds of silent but sexy message exchange - kind of like when you were in high school and had to, oh so carefully, slip that little crumpled love note across three desks to get your sweetest to know you liked their new shirt and there was a party after school in the parking lot! I still haven't mastered the art of texting. My texts tend to require three hands and a whole lot of concentration, and even then they come out something like, "u r cutee, luv 2 go hawaaiin wit u, aloha OY!@- vey." Not exactly "Casablanca" style romance there.

The cell phone number itself is kind of like the big red telephone in movies that was reserved for the President in case of national emergency. When a person has your cell phone number, it is kind of like granting them access to ring your purse or vibrate in your bathroom. So you have to be careful whom you give it to because the cell phones can ring anytime and go with us everywhere.

When a new couple meets and exchanges cell phone numbers for the first time, a whole new game begins that has not occurred before in history. Now, you KNOW that your prospect has a phone on him or her at all times so if they don't call they are simply choosing not to use it! Gone are all the old buffering excuses like, “I didn't have a quarter”, “I didn't have your number”, “I was in the car or on a plane”. Now you can literally NOT call someone back twenty-four hours a day!

I read online recently that women get hurt feelings in the new phone game more than men, because although many guys may think of calling often, they don’t know what to say or just don't think of the phone as an enjoyable conversation device. To them it is more of a short passing system, as in, "I'll be home at six, pick up some milk, bye." If that’s truly the case, fellas, and not just another passive aggressive way of saying, "I'll call you", might I suggest a new short pass? If you dread a long phone chat; call when your lady friend is sure to be sound asleep and leave the message, "I love you enough for a whole month of phone calls, talk to you next month!"

Colin Quinn - Brings Saturday Night Alive!

Colin Quinn blasted the sold out house at the Lakeshore Theatre with a long set of Irish Whiskey-strength humor last weekend. After the show, I got to see him hilariously in action again as he flirted with two cute young blondes who recognized him from TV but had not seen his act. His deadpan delivery sent one great joke after another straight over their heads like a Concorde taking off over baggage handlers. It was as fun and well delivered as his act! Be sure to check out my full review of this "Quinn-tissentially” funny comic in this issue, and watch for our video interview on www.BuzzNews.net, straight from "The Greenroom" with Kim Katz later in the year when he returns to Chicago.

Spring is almost here Chicago! Right? Ok, it’s still snowing but almost spring, so enjoy it my pals in crime, and don't forget to play nice with your kitty love and PHONE HOME like ET!

Looving U
xoxo@!&

Kimberly Katz