What the #$&%!!??: Selling Your Kids Candy At Work Should Be Illegal!

Rants by Michael Greenwood
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How many times are you shamed into buying the candy of one of your coworker’s kids? This is a cheap act of guilt solicitation that has gotten way out of control. I don’t care what the cause is for or what school or social club is the mastermind behind this disgraceful practice, I just know this has to stop. In fact, it’s finally come to the point that when a see a proud parent walking my way with a magazine filled with shitty candy and cheap candles, I either run and hide or, if cornered, send ‘em flying with a hearty roundhouse to the chin – It’s that bad!

For a long time I was victimized into buying crappy Christmas cards, 1 pound M&M bags, Girl scout cookies, goofy paperweights and “gourmet” nut assortments based on the guilt derived upon me by the begging parent. “I can’t be the only asshole not to buy something since everyone else did”, I used to think. That is, until I realized most of my coworkers felt the same way. It’s like going to the funeral of a coworker you barely know because everyone else in the building collectively feels it’s the right thing to do – WTF???

When I was a kid and we had to supposedly raise money for the school by selling crap, I certainly never resorted to making my mother IMPOSE upon her work friends. No, I had to impose on people like my neighbors myself by going door to door like a Jehovah’s Witness who sells their faith in return for your soul.

Not only is it accepted in most workplaces to allow parents to push candy for their kids; it’s become an epidemic that is growing by the year. It’s bad enough to contend with one loony parent who’s turned into a used car salesman, but certain seasons bring them out in droves turning workplaces into “operations” where you can’t go to the bathroom without hearing, “My son is selling shitbars for school. How many can I put you down for?” That’s right…it’s not even “Would you like to buy” anymore. It’s now become, “How much money can I put you down for?” As if it’s totally expected.

Not is it only wrong to solicit your coworkers, since ill feelings and hidden resentment can occur, but it’s wrong to sell such over-priced shit. Five dollars for a graham of chocolate pretzels in a strategically oversized bag is just plain deceiving. Fifteen dollars for a candle that sells at Walgreen’s for $3.99 is highway robbery.

Why are schools and social clubs always making kids do this? If they need the money, can’t they get outside salesmen or get their faculty involved? They must know that nowadays kids just pass off the dirty work their buffoon parents who annoyingly take the opportunity to make nuisances of themselves at work. What do they care, I guess. I’m sure teachers and principals aren’t pushing popcorn balls off on each other. Save that fun for the cornered prey in the workplace that are actually trying to make money instead of buying some kid’s crap. If I want to buy chocolate, candles or useless ornaments, I’ll go to a store not to someone’s mom at work.