What the #$&%!!??: Is Your Kid Really Cute?

Rants by Michael Greenwood
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Let’s face it, most babies are not cute. In fact, most babies are repulsive. Puppies are cute – kittens are cute – babies? They’re pretty weird looking and are almost always obnoxious to no end. Maybe you are one of the few proud parents who actually have an adorable bundle of joy, but if the facts I’ve compiled are anywhere close to being correct, you’re probably in possession of one of the other 19 of 20 babies that will hopefully grow out of their funky infant/toddler stage.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably been forced to see pictures of friends or co-worker’s children. Why is this? Why? This always creates a most awkward situation since I’m instantly put in the position of having to lie. This is especially painful for newborn baby photos. Rather than cringing at the alien-like creature, I feel obligated to smile and say words like “precious” or “endearing” to the proud parents of E.T. Sometimes I’m so taken aback by the intrusive photo that I can only utter a “Wow!” I’ve always sworn that if I ever had a child I would not run around and show its’ picture to everyone in sight. I would save that trauma for my own family.

Besides being anything but cute, it seems that obnoxious behavior is often overlooked by the majority of coddling parents. Why is it that screaming, running toddlers in public are met with loving smiles and approving looks from their life-givers? How can parents not know that the abrasive, insufferable acts performed by their little ones are driving everyone else around them crazy? What the #$%!!?? Kudos to the handful of parents that keep their kids in check and realize the comfort zone of others.

I was at a movie a week or so ago when a family was in attendance that gave their three little brats free run of the area between the screen and the first row of seats. This mother and father seemed to have no clue that their children were bothering anyone. The kids, between the ages of 2-6, were scampering back and forth, trying to tag each other and were talking and laughing nonstop. Once in a while one of the parents would “SSSSHHHH!” them but, for the most part, they let them run the place wild. In fact, the expression on the mothers face said, “Look how cute they are running about – everyone in the theatre must think my kids are so cute.” Guess what, Mom? They’re not. We were there to see Mark Wahlberg make the Eagles, not watch your un-behaved kids run all over the place.

Soon after one of the kids began to cry. As my anger was coming to a boil I was just about to address the parents when a woman two rows behind me shouted, “Can you get your kids out of here? We paid to watch a movie!” She was my hero. Her exclamation was then met with another supporting call out from the audience, which was followed by cheers and clapping that someone finally said something. With seeming reluctance, the father did take the kids into the lobby but what surprised me most was the mother’s reaction. She had a look on her face like she couldn’t believe that everyone was aggravated with her kids – total disbelief! She couldn’t understand that we, the paying customers for “Invincible” were appalled at her children’s behavior and would not rather watch her offspring run amuck than watch the movie we came to see. Minutes later the mother got up and joined the rest of her awesome family. They did not return.

Parents, if your kids are acting insane – it’s not cute – people do mind. Also, if your baby looks a bit weird in their photos – they probably are – keep them to yourselves.