Buzz Magazine

Fun from the cage!

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass(!)

a tight ass (_*_)

an ass hole {_!_}

a swishy ass (_o_)

an ass that's been around (_x_)

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

It's that time again, Buzz presents the February 2009 Write-Off. In December the stories written were all on the topic, "Cereal Box Prize". After the deadline, stories are posted on the website and voted on. The winner will receive a prize, different every month. For February the topic is, "Hats". All stories must feature a hat or hats as a major plot device. There are no rules as to how serious, or how funny the stories can be. Good Luck!

You remember Mr. Rogers, right? Perhaps you thought he was lame. Others may have called him brilliant. Well, if you thought Mr. Rogers was brilliant, you were absolutely correct.

Kevin was twelve and was very anxious to travel to Hilton Head, South Carolina for the annual family vacation. Kevin lived in Chicago and was always thrilled about driving cross-country. Previous vacations involved places such as Orlando, Florida and Montreal, Canada, but he really had no idea what South Carolina would be like. He heard that their hotel would be on the beach near the ocean and that sounded fantastic. Surely this would be a trip to remember.

The drive was typically long and boring, but at least they had rented an SUV for the trip. He did not like the idea of squeezing in a normal car with his four older siblings like he had in the past, with two brothers and two sisters. This trip was already better than expected. He also heard that shortly after entering the state that they would be stopping by some type of museum. That sounded cool to Kevin. Museums are cool.

When they got there, everyone exited the vehicle. Kevin, on the other hand, felt as if he was going to pass gas. Unfortunately, it was more than just gas. As soon as it came out, Kevin knew he had pooped in his pants a little. Surrounded by his parents and siblings, he tried to act normal.

While walking through the museum, Kevin could no longer relish being surrounded by elegance. He was way too uncomfortable and had to break the news to his mom about what happened and maybe she could lead him to a nearby restroom. When he did, his brothers overheard and laughed obnoxiously.

"Kevin hersey squirt, Kevin hersey squirt," his brothers repeated.  

It took forever to find a restroom. Even after cleaning himself up, he felt humiliated and abnormal. Something was not right and he could only hope that things would be okay.

The next day was a new day, and Kevin felt fine. It was bright, sunny and the beach was magnificent. During lunch, while his brothers were checking out babes on the beach and his sisters were tanning, Kevin was eating lunch with his parents. He loved chilidogs and decided to order one. When it arrived, it was nice and big and juicy. The taste was different than the Chicago dogs he was used to, but it did the job. Then, when Kevin rose from his seat, it happened again. Something more than a fart was released. His mom then proceeded to lead him back to their room so he could change.

Later that day, Kevin had gotten over his accident and was enjoying his surroundings. He spent a lot of time in the game room, walked around the pool, walked along the beach, around the hotel, and now he was preparing to go into the ocean. While his mom was talking to a friend alongside the shore, Kevin was in the ocean jumping around in the water. It was pretty neat being in the ocean for once. There was something different about it, and he liked it. 

It wasn't long before it began to get dark and his mom called for him to get out of the water so they could go back inside. Kevin was just stepping out of the water when suddenly, it happened again. Something more than a fart came out and into his trunks. Slowly, Kevin began to turn around and walk back into the water. His mother noticed this and screamed for him not to dare going back into the water and to come over immediately. Kevin slowly walked toward his mother and asked if he could use the bathroom near the pool, and she nodded.

In the bathroom, Kevin pulled down his trunks so he could attempt to wipe the feces out. At the glimpse of his creation, Kevin immediately puked all around the stall. Then he slouched to the ground and sat while attempting to recuperate.  After a while, he heard his mother calling for him. Weakened from all the recent activity, Kevin could only groan. Reacting to the sound of the groaning, his mother went inside and found him sitting on the floor in the stall, surrounded by vomit with the poop-filled trunks lying nearby. She nearly threw up at the horrific sight.

For the remainder of the evening, and throughout the entire drive back the next day, Kevin barely ate. He also moved in slow motion, especially while walking. He clenched his butt-cheeks together, refusing to release anything unless he was sitting on a toilet. Ironically, nothing ever came out while on a toilet. 

Throughout the entire drive back, Kevin anticipated being back home. Only then was he sure that the nightmare would end. Or at least he hoped it would.  

There was a time when little Jimmy was a normal child. He spent more time with his daddy than most kids at the age of 10, but there was nothing unusual about him. Daddy would play catch with Jimmy, take him to the store to buy new toys, take him to the movies. Jimmy sure loved his daddy. Mommy was always busy at work....

The young boy is named Pocket Hockey.  Suitable to his name, he often plays with his morning hard-on under the kitchen table.  Pocket unceremoniously upturns and shakes the bejesus out of his box of cereal, spilling much of the contents onto areas surrounding the target bowl.  Father Hockey forgets to use a mug and burns...

Sunlight crept in from the window like a muscle-bound ballet, overpowering the figure motionless in bed and illuminating what was just a few moments ago a comfortable darkness. At least this isn’t something I’ll have to get used to, thought the figure as he stretched and rose from sleep and headed out of the room...

It started awkwardly, with her obese mother coming down the stairs dressed as Santa Claus.  Sarah’s father had a pipe clenched in his teeth, smiling and clapping at a well-done impersonation.  Sarah screamed with glee and put her hands over her mouth.  My eyes were naturally averting and avoiding the spectacle, but courtesy kept them on the return...

On this chilly night the moon glowed upon Jacob’s face as he watched the cloud of breath leave his mouth.  He shivered but had no concern for the cold, what did it matter? He stood on the precipice looking down to the river below him and saw a vision that was decipherable for only but a moment. If you see your whole life before you die...